what comes up when I paint | Cherie Roe Dirksen

Me (on the left) cross-dressing for my 40th as Kurt Cobain (on the right)

Birth, Death and Everything In Between

I went all out this year for my 40th Birthday and decided to throw a 40 Rock party! Everyone came dressed as one of their favourite music icons from the past 40 years.

I chose Kurt Cobain (yip, that’s me above on the left — the beard was drawn on and not grown! Yes, I know what you’re thinking…I may be 40 but facial hair is still at bay).

All jokes aside though, I warned you in last weeks blog that this emotional reveal wasn’t going to be pretty. You can read (or rather look at the photo’s of the painting process) HERE before I begin to unravel the emotions behind the art.

When I paint these rock art paintings, I scribble what comes up for me on the side of the canvas. Usually it’s quite a detailed list of raw feelings.

This one was different. Only one concept kept coming up.

Cold.

Was it Kurt Cobain Coming Through?

The only word I got whilst painting this was ‘cold’. I did, however, manage to pick up 2 phrases:

‘Want to be warm — fire/sun/warmth’
‘Tired of being cold in the dark — womb’

I started to wonder if I was just connecting with my own subconscious mind listening to Nirvana’s music as there are a LOT of connotations to the womb — ‘In Utero’, their third and final album cover shows what appears to be an transparent angel with all her bits and bobs showing (left).

Kurt is synonymous with having a fixation with umbilical chords and babies, hence perhaps the feelings of being in the ‘womb’.

Nevermind their second album! Called, ‘Nevermind’ (right) — where there is a baby swimming in a pool on the cover.

Or was I getting more sinister messages from beyond the veil from Kurt himself?

Not Cool…

If I was, there was another presence or even presences with him.

I felt as if he didn’t want to be where he was and he didn’t want to be with these entities either.

The painting started getting twistier and turnier. The ‘dark’ angel that finally started taking shape half way through the painting has kind of an ominous vibe.

The water on top of the painting feels cold and murky, almost as if someone is ‘drowning’ in their emotion.

I was really freaked out when I started ripping up pieces of paper from a charcoal packet I had (conveniently) on my studio floor that said ‘fire’ and ‘brand’ (which is Afrikaans for fire).

What was truly weird was right at the end when I picked up a box of matches and just started striking them randomly and sticking them to the painting. A first for me!

It seemed as if someone was trying desperately to get warm.

Conclusions Leave Me Wanting

This painting did bother me on many levels.