how to have a healthy marriage | Cherie Roe Dirksen

“Love is a two-way street constantly under construction.” — Carroll Bryant

Head Over Heels

20 years ago I married my school sweetheart. Yeah, we got married young (I was just about to turn 21 and he was 23) but we were head over heels in love and had been dating for over 4 years. We just knew it was the real deal and we were unstoppable.

We had many hurdles to overcome in our early years of marriage as we were still growing into our adulthood but, luckily, we survived the bumpy ride and the trying times made our connection even stronger.

Sometimes love alone doesn’t guarantee a lasting relationship — successful entanglement comprises of many things.

Read related article here: 5 Fundamental Steps to a Thriving Relationship

In the article above, I discussed 5 important steps to a healthy, loving partnership which covered:

communication
trust
excitement
‘I love you’
‘thank you’

I highly recommend you read the fluffy bits of this article as they are uber important if you want to nurture your happily ever after.

Taking the Sour with the Sweet

Relationships never stop growing and mutating — I learn something new about my partner every day (especially as we both work from home and are in each others space 24/7 — funny thing is, I wouldn’t have it any other way!). It’s exciting and can also be, at some times, eye-opening — as in ‘wow, I didn’t know that about you‘.

Yup, revelations still happen many years into a relationship.

There are always ups and downs — there’s no candy-coating that fact. We’re all growing and learning all of the time (with a bit of luck), it’s especially trying in these auspicious times as we quicken into a global spiritual awakening. Relationships are going through the ringer!

The real trick is to always try remember to view things from all relative perspectives. There are a few more points I’d like to pick over, things I’ve discovered over these 2 decades of marital bliss:

Perception — this is a tricky little blighter as we are so used to seeing things through our own perspective. We must always remember that everyone has their own version of the truth and it pays to put yourself in someone else’s shoes every once in a while. You’ve got to honestly ask yourself if you are being fair in viewing someone or something from a multi-dimensional standpoint.
‘I’m Sorry’ — it’s a prudent practice to admit your mistakes — especially to your partner. It really sucks when you have a one-sided relationship with a know-it-all. Humility goes a long way and it strengthens that trust muscle for you in your partner. Never be too proud to say you’re sorry or to acknowledge that you may have stuffed up.
Tolerance — there are junctions in a relationship where you may need to concede and ‘agree to disagree‘. Your partner is entitled to their opinion just as much as you are. No-one has to convert anyone else to their truth. Your real test in this situation is to have tolerance and non-judgment — it goes a long way and shows a sense of maturity that your partner will appreciate.
Detachment — now this is a strange attribute to put in a discussion about relationships. Aren’t partnerships supposed to be about being attached? Yes and no. You work together as a team constantly but you must have respect for your partners privacy. Every person needs a bit of space to explore their own sense of self and that should be respected. Therefore, practice detachment every now and again with your partner in a loving manner. Allow them to have unquestionable space and time alone without feeling hurt or rejected or making them feel guilty. You may discover that you need this periodic freedom too. It is not healthy to be so attached to someone that you forget where you end and they begin. It may be a romantic notion in a novel or movie to be so inseparable that you’re two halves of one unit. In my experience, you need to be a complete unit and your partner needs to be a one too — there are no half measures! You both need to be whole and independent before you enter into co-dependency — a bit of a dichotomy at first but well understood when you enter a serious commitment.
Patience — remember that old adage, ‘love is patient’? It’s true — when you love someone you will periodically need to exercise patience — let things unfold naturally without unnecessary force. That’s how you grow as a couple.

I hope these tips help you to step up your game and keep your relationships healthy and thriving!

Read related article: 7 Clues You’re in an Unhealthy Relationship

Cherie Roe Dirksen is a self-empowerment author, multi-media artist and musician from South Africa.

To date, she has published 3 self-help and motivational books and brings out weekly inspirational blogs at her site www.cherieroedirksen.com. Get stuck into finding your passion, purpose and joy by downloading some of those books gratis when you clickHERE.

Her ambition is to help you to connect with your innate gift of creativity and living the life you came here to experience by taking responsibility for your actions and becoming the co-creator of your reality. You can follow Cherie onFacebook (The Art of Empowerment — for article updates). She also has just recently launched her official art Facebook page (Cherie Roe Dirksen – for new art updates).

Cherie posts a new article on CLN every Thursday. To view her articles, click HERE.

This article (5 Key Factors to a Lasting Relationship) was originally written for and published by Conscious Life News and is published here under a Creative Commons license with attribution to the author Cherie Roe Dirksen and ConsciousLifeNews.com. It may be re-posted freely with proper attribution, author bio, and this Copyright/Creative Commons statement.

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“Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.” — Bruce Lee

My Fairytale Romance

I met my husband when we were still at school. It was love at first sight. We had a 4 year fun, tumultuous, exciting, frustrating, explosive and exploratory courtship and then decided to take it to the next level. We got married in 1996.

We never looked back.

Turning Pumpkins into Golden Carriages

After 17 years of being happily married, I can safely say that I may know a thing or two about keeping a healthy, thriving, loving and successful relationship alive.

We have both been working from home over the last 8 years, so we are in each other’s hair 24/7, 7 days a week! However, we still manage to fall in love anew each and every day.

Here’s how:

Communication — this is a biggy, hence why it made it to the no. 1 slot. I learnt this early on in our marriage. If you don’t have an open channel of communiqué, your relationship is doomed. You will start assuming, begrudging and pretty much get the wrong end of the stick every time you decide not to openly talk about your problems. Women are usually good at communicating but we also need to learn when we’ve said too much and when to start listening. Men are generally not the best communicators — so guys, you need to work on your listening skills, it could save your relationship. And there is no greater turn on than a man who listens attentively. Always make your dialogue an even contribution. This means that you both get time to state your case and —on pain of death — don’t override, scream over or continuously interrupt your partner.

Trust — we all have the capability to earn and lose trust. One can always build up trust if it is lost, you may have to work a little harder but trust is an integral part of building the foundations of a lasting partnership. If you let that little green monster called ‘jealousy’ into your relationship, you are on shaky territory. If your partner is not trustworthy, you need to look elsewhere. I know this sounds harsh but a relationship without trust is disaster-prone. If you’re a jealous person and your partner has done nothing to make you distrustful of him/her, you are also walking the gang-plank. Be careful, your jealousy could drive your partner to the edge.

Excitement — never stop jazzing it up! Don’t fall into the trappings of complacency. Do you look good on the outside? I’m not implying plastic surgery nor am I implicating that you have to be a beauty queen or bodybuilder. Just don’t let yourself go, this is a no-brainer. Keep your appearance fresh and appealing. If you want an attractive partner, you’ve got to keep yourself well-groomed, fit and clean. It also doesn’t hurt to keep in shape and have strong personal hygiene routines. You’ve also got to spice up your love life every once in a while. Don’t do anything you don’t feel comfortable with but don’t be closed to all ideas — you never know what might literally tickle your fancy. When it comes to everyday life, you’ve also got to think out of the box. Doing the same thing week in and week out is boring. Inject a bit of pizzazz into your social/play-time schedule. Keep trying new things like eating out at that new restaurant, taking trips to museums/exhibitions, trying out a nightclub or just getting out into nature together by enjoying a stroll on the beach or a hike up the mountain.

‘I Love You’ — not a day goes by when we don’t express this simple phrase to each other. Don’t take for granted that your partner knows how you feel. A little love goes a long way. Hugs and kisses are also great daily practices, especially when they come at unexpected interludes.

‘Thank You’ — always show your partner gratitude for what they do. From the smallest things — like doing the dishes or picking the kids up from class — to the bigger things — like working hard or being a great listener or shoulder to cry on. Appreciation shows you partner recognition.

They Lived Happily Ever After…

When you excite and love yourself with your particular brand of uniqueness and zest for life, you’ll be an electrifying, lovable, irresistible rogue to your partner. Own who you are and what you want out of life and make sure you are allowing your partner to express the same thing in his/her life.